PUCK YOU! Free Agent Frenzy (repost)

While the 2012 NHL Lockout is underway, every Friday will be known as \”Flashback Friday.\” On this day of the week, a classic installment of PUCK YOU! will be released for your enjoyment.

This was originally published on Jul 1, 2012

Happy Canada Day! G of Wonderpod Online here… breaking down the Free Agent Frenzy deal of the day. While everyone is awaiting the fate of one Zach Parise, and the subsequent power play of Martin Brodeur, or even pancake eating champion Dustin Penner (oh wait, he resigned for one year with Stanley Cup champions, The Los Angeles Kings)… well, one move made waves. It\’s a four man (and one animal) contract made by the Canucks.

Jason Garrison has signed a 6 year, $27.6 million dollar deal with the Vancouver Canucks. Having played an amazing 190 games in the NHL with the Panthers, the defense man has amassed an immaculate 59 points (23 goals, 36 assists, +9)! How better to award the 27 year old than with a massive contract averaging $4.6 million per season?

The catch is, that with Mr. Garrison comes his entourage of three additional players and one team mascot (Sorry Fin!)


As part of a rider including exclusion from blame for riots and civil unrest in the city of Vancouver, Mr. Garrison required the following players all receive 1 way, no-movement clause contracts.

1). Mr. Hat.

Mr. Hat literally brings nothing to the table, but is signed for 6 years, at $3.2 million per year for association alone. Hat will provide a great deal of offense, as long as at least one player has his glove shoved up his ass.

2). Mr. Twig.

Twig provides a stick for the equipment manager, and comes with a $49.95 per game (for 6 years) salary. Unless of course he is broken by Daniel (or Henrik, let\’s be honest, no one can tell the difference) during a game where as his pay will be multiplied by new appearances per game. Dead Mr. Twigs will be used to set fire to flipped cars by Vancouver fans rioting after every game.

3). Mr. Slave

Personal favorite waterboy of Mr. Garrison, Slave brings experience and expertise to the Canuck locker room (much to the chagrin of Keith Ballard, former Panthers teammate). Ballard, \”He always wanted to play, or that\’s what he told me back in Florida. When I finally agreed to hit the rink for some drills with him, he looked awkwardly at the stick in his hand I gave him and told me he thought drills and stick meant something else…. things were always kind of strange after that.\”

4). Lemmiwinks

Aforementioned \”Fin\” will be replaced for at least 6 years as Garrison\’s personal trainer and assistant, Lemmiwinks, will serve as the Canucks new mascot. Since the Canucks loss to the Kings in the first round of the 2012 playoffs, Vancouver fans have rallied around the \”Gerbil King\” to help build morale for the regular season champions to recharge and have a third attempt to capture Lord Stanley\’s Cup. The Frog King, The Sparrow Prince , nor The Catatafish were available for comments at this time (likely a result of being dead and residing inside Mr. Slave).

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