Today is October 2, 2017, and 30 years ago today, Pittsburgh Penguins star and two time Stanley Cup winner Phil Kessel was born. Therefore, today I decided to share with my fellow hockey fans some knowledge bestowed upon me by some folks in a chat room during a recent pre-season game between the Penguins and the Buffalo Sabres. I do have to apologize, however, as I didn’t think to keep the names of the folks who said these things as I was sharing them with my BoredHockeyFan.com co-admin G the other night.
- “Kessel was baptized in hot dog water”
- “When Kessel gets NHL 18 he makes Kessel a little bigger to see if he can eat a few more burgers and still play”
- “Kessel ain’t even fat, he’s jacked.”
- “Kessels not fat, he’s thicc”
- “Kessel won’t go to a team meeting unless they got pigs in a blanket.”
- “Kessel stays in (Pittsburgh) not because he likes winning, but because they have the highest taco bell/pizza hut combos per capita”
- “When the snapchat filter came out with the dancing hot dog Kessel ate his phone”
- “If Kessel had a time machine, he’d go back to 1943, not to kill hitler but to kill a Dodo bird and try it’s meat.”
- “Never refer to the puck as a biscuit or Phil will eat it”
- “Kessel drank Smart Water for a week and couldn’t understand why he wasn’t better at math.”
- “Kessel spends 14K on Reeses Pieces a month”
- “Kessel met Jesus once but kept hounding him about Fish”
- “Kessel’s salary is measured in quarter pounders”
And there you have it, folks. Things I learned about birthday boy Phil Kessel from random people in a chat room. Happy birthday Phil, from all of us at BoredHockeyFan!